So I realized that I've been on a little but of a livejournal hiatus. At first it was because I moved out of my old apartment and disconnected the internet... but even when I was able to steal if from others (oops-don't you live wireless?) I didn't really check on this account too much because I have a myspace and more of my friends have myspace soo... yeah. But here we go again right?

I suppose I could get into everything that I've been through this summer for the millionth time, but I think I might skip the dramatic details and just go right for the throat: I came out to my family, I got a boyfriend, my boyfriend turned out to be an asshole and dumped me, I cried over lost asshole boyfriend, asshole boyfriend wouldn't stop calling me so I changed my number, I moved, I moved again--this time to a nice new house with two roommates, I got another job waiting tables at a local golf resort, I still work at the buck but may be applying for another position at a different store, got in a fight with my best but maybe soon to be former best friend, I lost three relatives and a close family friend, and, most recently, met a hot guy at work and proceeded to hit on him thinking that he was 18 or 19 and he proceeded to hit on me back and then it turns out he's actually only 16 and that I'm a pervert who's going to straight to hell. Summer folks! Don't you love it!?

Life in a nutshell. I feel like I need a shower.

Thank God school starts in a couple of weeks, right?

... that people just hate my fucking guts. And that's okay, really. I know not everybody was put on this world to like me, so if you don't like me, fine-- just stop pretending that you do.

I'm upset that Matt went to that stupid party with all these fucking stoned 18-year-olds that somehow got ahold of keg and hauled it out to their house. I've been hanging out with these guys for just over a month now and I'm beginning to see how much they drink. And how much they backstab. And how immature they can be. And I'm not saying that I'm any better than any last one of them, because I'm not. They're just entirely different from any group of people I've ever considered to be my friends and while this is a good thing, it definitely has its downsides, like tonight, being stuck here alone at what is soon to be my new place of residence (with Matt and his roommate Tyler) because all those guys can ever think about is how badly they want to get trashed and score with some random chick and curse up the world like a sailor and speed and get tickets and be disrespectful and inconsiderate and so many other little things that make small parts of my mind explode like little bursting fiery bubbles.

Sigh... Matt and I live together now. And while this does make me happy, I wonder if this will work. We are so different that... I don't know... I guess it's just harder. Much harder. I love him to death but the question that keeps popping up is whether or not just love can be enough. Will he change? Will I change? Will we be able to live with these differences? Like I told him tonight, I guess only time will tell. I just wish I knew for sure now, but I guess you can never be 100 percent sure about anything, ever. Even when it comes to those you love.

I just wish I had a boyfriend that actually wanted to spend time with me.

What's a guy to do?

July Eighth. Bleh. It's hot. And smokey due to the wildfire around Wenatchee.

I usually have Sundays off but went in this morning to cover Sydney's shift because she was in a car accident. I figured that this is one of those moments where an exception to the 'I don't work Sundays' rule could be made. From what I hear, she is going to be just fine, which is such a relief because I was slightly panicked when Paula left me that message this morning and told me about the accident but could give me no details.

Work was busy, but work always seems busy in hindsight. At least morning shifts at the buck. Not so much for Gamestop and the one shift I've worked at Moses Point wasn't too bad... but then again it's not like I really did anything other than observe others work hard and bus tables. Yeah.

Like usual, I spend most of the day at my mom's house. Today Shelby and played on the slide for hours and I have to admit she was beginning to wear me out. Why is it that they get all that energy? Everything was going great until BB, Sara's little bitch beagle, dug up a large portion of a completely finsihed flowerbed (I had just put the bark down a month ago) and made a large mess. And what did Sara do? Nothing. What did my mom do? Nothing. I swear to God that Sara has the worst problem not only disciplining my nieces but also her damned dogs. She didn't do a thing and that beast dug TWO HOLES in that flower bed! But of course I cleaned it up. I'm always cleaning up after them. But anyway, to continue, I was really annoyed and making it quite obvious to the world around me but for some reason that sends some kind of message to my mom that she needs to bother me even more and this of course is no bueno because then I get even more annoyed and just want to freak out and beat everybody. So that was afternoon, in a nutshell. My dad annoyed me too, but I just don't have the energy to go into that right now. And I think I got slightly sunburned, but it's nothing compared to how bad my boyfriend got burned on Saturday. I didn't even know people could get that shade of red!!!

Speaking of Matt, did I mention he likes to hang out and drink with my mom? I don't really know what to do with that yet... wow, it occurs to me that this is the longest post I've written in quite awhile. And I feel bad because I'm stealing wireless from one of Matt's neighbors.

My brother saw Transformers this weekend. Apparently it's the shit. Now I'm going with my dad sometime this week.

Sigh.... I'm tired now. Good night.

I can't believe it is already the second of July. 2007 is over halfway over. Where does the time go anymore?!?

It's hot here. Not horribly hot but just hot enough to make me constantly uncomfortable. Good times. I hear though that it is supposed to get incredibly hot by this next weekend. Well into the triple digits. Yay fun!

Matt met my mom and sister-in-law and nieces yesterday. He said he had a very good time, and this makes me happy because sometimes my family can be a bit much, in my opinion, and I try to delay people from meeting them as much as possible so at least if they don't like my family then they're good enough friends with me to not care. Does this make me horrible? I think on some levels it has too.

I'm really tired. Moving Matt in with Tyler took a lot of work. And I have to move myself in a few weeks. I don't even know where I'm going yet! But I'm really not all that worried, surprisingly; I just want it to be over with already. Especially all the freakin' heat!

Sigh.... I'm tired.

So things have been busy. And interesting, to say the least.

In the last two weeks: I came out to the world that I was bisexual. I got myself a wickedly charming boyfriend named Matt. Lexi moved out of my apartment, as will I next month. I have no place to live yet.... but we'll see what happens. Work is going well and I'm a) going to be the next coffee master for our store, b) getting a small but nice nonetheless raise next month, and c) most likely finally getting a promotion by the end of summer. But we'll see... I've been bitten on the ass with that before so I'm not going to get my hopes up this time. Also, I have a wonderful group of new friends (I'm sure I'll discuss them more later) and may have landed myself an awesome waiting job at Moses Point (but I may be getting a little bit ahead of myself here too). Took out that 20,000 dollar loan for school and received my invitation for orientation in July (the 25th). I've drank more now that in the previous 21 years. I kind of sort of like Coors light. And tomorrow is my last day of having internet and a home phone (so long 765-0935).

So there you go. Good night :)

For a brief time on Saturday night/Sunday morning, we were good friends. I can't believe I drank that whole pint of you in only a couple of hours. Good times. Good times ;)

In other news, I am so freakin tired that it's nearly impossible to sleep. I can't believe I stayed up until 5:30 in the morning talking to Matt, DJ, and Kenna. I can't believe that afterwards I stayed up until 7:30 because I wanted to do the dishes before going to bed and that when I did fall asleep it was only for 3.5 hours. And I'm still awake and having to be at work in oh, 9 hours or so? Yeah, I'm smart.

Sigh................. what a week. I can't believe everything that happened in such a short amount of time.

What a weekend to a pretty busy week in general. And this week will be no different.

Work was insane. Both jobs. It was nice because for once it went by quickly, but also not so nice because of the stress of having to deal with so many people. Especially the guy that freaked out of the appearance of his iced venti caramel machiatto and decided it would be fun to yell and berate me as I stood in the lobby holding broken glass dripping with Jones sugar-free black cherry soda that a kid had dropped not even a minute before. What a lunatic.

Yesterday my mom told me that Janet Hogsett, a woman who was pretty much a surrogate mother to every kid on the street I grew up on, died on Saturday. And this upsets me more than I thought it would. She was such a great person and out of the 14 years that I knew her I never once saw her get cross with anyone or even so much as raise her voice. Her and her husband and their family lived two doors down from me. They were always very understanding and were SO helpful after my dad left and when my mom was dealing with her issues. They always made me feel so normal, which I am not, so they will always be people that I will hold dear to my heart. She was awesome.

In other news, Lexi, being the sweetest person ever, really helped me out by talking to me last night and switching shifts with me today so that I wouldn't have to go in so early. The extra sleep was much needed. I don't know why I've been so tired lately though. Just stress I guess. But this is my last week of class- final on Wednesday- and then all I have to do is attend an orientation on July 25th and register for fall. I still have to accept the loan they're offering me; but I am not excited to take on $17,000 in debt. But I guess in reality it's no different than if I would've bought a new car or something. Only this is something that will be good for my future. So really, I just need to stop freaking out about it.

I think I'm going to go work out. That might help before going to work.

Last week it occurs to me: I'm an ass.

Just like my father; just like my brother and uncles and my late grandpa. McPherson men are assholes. Whether is passed down genetically or learned in our home environments- it's just fact- McPherson men really are assholes.

People think I'm nice. Too often acquaintances label me as a 'nice guy' and soon realize that as they get to know me the niceness isn't really niceness, but mere politeness that I give to those I hardly know. That there is more to my personality than being the "nice guy"; that I too have my moments of desperation and anger. Why is that so surprising? If they saw me bleed would they stop and stare and wonder how? Why do people use my flaws as reasons to hate and fear me? To me this makes no sense. My life has not been some easy fairytale-- I am human, just like everyone else, and I deserve to express my emotions and deserved to be loved for who I am.

How is that for the first time in my life, the role in my relationships with people is one of openness? How is that I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve and my closest friends are closed-off; repressive. They bottle things inside, almost waiting to pounce on me and turn my actions against me. Why can't they just talk to me when something is wrong? Why do they feel the need to hide when I clearly have thrown myself out there?

And why do I always find the most unhealthy relationships? How come none of my friends ever bother to call or write or send a simple email? How is that the continuation of our relationships depends upon me calling the shots?

I am alone all over again. My friends have abandoned me, not physically, but in confidence, persuance, and trust, they have yet again abandoned me. Now I forgive, and I forget, and I move on but at the same time I wonder how long this will last. Should I forgive? Should I forget? Should I just close the door on what was and search for the escape route? How long do I continue to put up with this?

I'm alone. But this time I'm not scared like before. This time I take what I have left and hold it dear to my heart and wait to see what happens. If they want things to end, it will be them who make the first move. I will wait for them to tell me that it is over and wait for them to come back to me, for I am a patient man.

To those who want nothing to do with me, then I guess farewell. May life treat you well. And for those who don't realize that they're pushing me away and want to stay my friend, I guess the question they have to ask themself is will it be too late by the time you notice?

I can't believe I woke up this morning to Lexi watching HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS.

LOL :P

Last night I had a dream in which I was getting married to this beautiful, somewhat high-maintenance, funny latino girl. And the day of our wedding, everything that went wrong did. We couldn't find the license anywhere (we eventually found it in the holds of my mom's garage-- how it got there?), the car broke down on the way to the church (which, oddly enough, was at the fairgrounds) and we ditched it so that we wouldn't be late and ran down along Airway Drive where she fell in a random pool of water and took me down with her and ended up ripping her dress. But the whole time she was great about it; laughed even. I don't know if we made it on time because I woke up. It was a pretty good dream. I even remember the party we had (together) the night before the wedding and how much fun it was to have all of our friends in the same place. And how good it felt to be in love. And for the first time in my life, I woke up wishing a dream that I had had come true.